Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
