WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
