On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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