Soap is not a condiment
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
