I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
