for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
