he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
