i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
