he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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