Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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