Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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