Don't make out with my wife yet
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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