I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
