I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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