Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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