just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
