I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
