Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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