I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize