God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
