you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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