my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
