So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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