Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
