i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
