Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
