thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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