did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
