Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
How's work?
Spinning.
Hippo gnu deer
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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