Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
