A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
