someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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