Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
