My liver just broke up with me...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
