can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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