The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We talked him into tasing himself.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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