That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize