she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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