If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
