Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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