Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
