i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
