I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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