im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
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