apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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