I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
