Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
