Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
