the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize