I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
