I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I cut my penus on the lid.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
