If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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