Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
