Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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