brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
